Doom Scrolling & Church-Going
This is not to the convincing of the Christian or the Mormon to quit church attendance. Rather, if our worship ends at church on Sunday, I would invite you to reevaluate and aim for something better.
A lot of people ask me about my journey leaving the church, and what the process looked like. I think many assume that leaving the Mormon church is a lot like making a jail break. One day you finally get the gumption, run, and make a clean break. Turns out, prison breaks aren’t comparable for those of us who are leaving the church for virtuous reasons. It’s usually gradual. We spend each day of our lives putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually we arrive at our destination.
Now, the tricky part is realizing that our destination is dependent upon our choices and whether our steps lead us closer to God, or further away. And the really tricky part is comprehending that even those whose footsteps are leading them closer to God can simply be on a different road than we are. There are many ways in this life in which we can follow God. Likewise, there are many ways to be wicked. I suppose it’s our job to choose righteousness over wickedness, and then discern the path that God would personally have us on to get closer to Him.
Most Mormons would see my steps away from church-going as steps toward sin and complacency, and it is possible for some people that may be the case. But for me, and many others on this similar path, the journey felt more like allowing God to take me by the hand, pull me close to His side, and guide me wherever He willed me.
Now, the tricky part is realizing that our destination is dependent upon our choices and whether our steps lead us closer to God, or further away. And the really tricky part is comprehending that even those whose footsteps are leading them closer to God can simply be on a different road than we are. There are many ways in this life in which we can follow God. Likewise, there are many ways to be wicked. I suppose it’s our job to choose righteousness over wickedness, and then discern the path that God would personally have us on to get closer to Him.
Most Mormons would see my steps away from church-going as steps toward sin and complacency, and it is possible for some people that may be the case. But for me, and many others on this similar path, the journey felt more like allowing God to take me by the hand, pull me close to His side, and guide me wherever He willed me.
A strange pattern began to occur within my church sometime between my teenage and young adult years where Bishops would only ask their ward members to speak over the pulpit about General Conference talks. I always found it odd that we were taking time to give talks on talks. Then Relief Society became another hour of church where we discussed a General Conference talk, and at that point it felt very redundant to be giving lessons on talks about talks.
I craved diving into God’s word and extracting practical life-changing principles that I could go home and apply to my life the next week, but I rarely felt I gained anything from sitting in those classes. So, one day, out of my desire for something greater and my body crying out to me as I was fighting Lyme disease, I would happily teach the Sunday School lesson, and then I would go home, and miss third-hour. And after many weeks of going home during third-hour, it was a fairly rare occurrence if anyone ever said anything about it to me. For the most part I was unmissed and unscathed by this choice.
Until one Sunday when my bishop darkened my doorway. I invited him inside my home where he casually mentioned how he was considering giving me a calling in Relief Society, to which I explained why I felt Relief Society was a waste of time. He listened, told me I needed to give people a chance, and left. This made me assess what my real issue was with Relief Society and I discovered through this conversation that the problem tugging at my heart wasn’t simply with the women in Relief Society. I simply experienced a lack of passion for God, truth, goodness, and correct principles, and my heart was craving those things. I was never given a calling in Relief Society after that day.
But that small, honest conversation with my Bishop later lead to a visit from my entire Relief Society Presidency, to which I happily welcomed them into my home and invited them in to sit down. Somewhere in that conversation one of the women asked me, “Claire, how do you feel about Relief Society?” I smiled and asked, “Would you like a nice answer or an honest answer?”
They said they wanted my honesty, so I asked them if they had ever read the book, “Daughters in My Kingdom: The History and Work of Relief Society.” They all shook their heads no and I explained to them, as outlined in that book, the purpose of Relief Society. I then further explained if we, as women in the ward, were not fulfilling that roll of bringing relief, refreshment, love, and hope to the sisters, then there was very little reason or purpose for Relief Society at all. To which they told me there weren’t too many girls in our ward who had the kind of trials I had, and they thanked me for my honest answer. I will always be thankful for that visit, and for their willingness to hear me out. This conversation also brought about no change in the ward or the Relief Society that I was attending.
I craved diving into God’s word and extracting practical life-changing principles that I could go home and apply to my life the next week, but I rarely felt I gained anything from sitting in those classes. So, one day, out of my desire for something greater and my body crying out to me as I was fighting Lyme disease, I would happily teach the Sunday School lesson, and then I would go home, and miss third-hour. And after many weeks of going home during third-hour, it was a fairly rare occurrence if anyone ever said anything about it to me. For the most part I was unmissed and unscathed by this choice.
Until one Sunday when my bishop darkened my doorway. I invited him inside my home where he casually mentioned how he was considering giving me a calling in Relief Society, to which I explained why I felt Relief Society was a waste of time. He listened, told me I needed to give people a chance, and left. This made me assess what my real issue was with Relief Society and I discovered through this conversation that the problem tugging at my heart wasn’t simply with the women in Relief Society. I simply experienced a lack of passion for God, truth, goodness, and correct principles, and my heart was craving those things. I was never given a calling in Relief Society after that day.
But that small, honest conversation with my Bishop later lead to a visit from my entire Relief Society Presidency, to which I happily welcomed them into my home and invited them in to sit down. Somewhere in that conversation one of the women asked me, “Claire, how do you feel about Relief Society?” I smiled and asked, “Would you like a nice answer or an honest answer?”
They said they wanted my honesty, so I asked them if they had ever read the book, “Daughters in My Kingdom: The History and Work of Relief Society.” They all shook their heads no and I explained to them, as outlined in that book, the purpose of Relief Society. I then further explained if we, as women in the ward, were not fulfilling that roll of bringing relief, refreshment, love, and hope to the sisters, then there was very little reason or purpose for Relief Society at all. To which they told me there weren’t too many girls in our ward who had the kind of trials I had, and they thanked me for my honest answer. I will always be thankful for that visit, and for their willingness to hear me out. This conversation also brought about no change in the ward or the Relief Society that I was attending.
This was only a small piece of my journey in leaving the church. I remember driving home from church on many Sundays with tears in my eyes due to my grief for the empty, vain, and tedious lessons and meetings I felt like I was repetitively attending. Sure, there were many nice people. There were many who were not actively inflicting church-hurt on me or other members of the ward. And there were many people that would shake my hand, smile at me, and ask me how I was feeling (which is a practical question to a person fighting chronic illness like I was.) But the problem circulating in my heart was the lack of substance I was learning, and lack of connection I felt to God and His children at church. The empty felt suffocating. And I became weary of the empty.
So, I tried to seek out the empty, befriend the broken hearted, offer kindness to the lost, only to find most people would rather hide their broken and lost state than admit they are struggling. And it makes sense why! Because if you’re suffering, very few will choose to be around you. So, it’s better to keep quiet and save face. Right?
The crux of this issue is this: The action of actively seeking souls in need and entering into broken hearts that need mending is slim to none at church. And throughout my scripture study, I have come to understand that God never asks us in His word to smile and shake people’s hands. He doesn’t ask us to talk about talks. He doesn’t ask us to sit in circles and organize fun activities for the next week. He asks us to bind up wounds, stand for truth, feed the hungry, care for the fatherless, and lift up the hands that hang down. But because of the lack of this happening in all aspects of society, there are MANY broken-hearted people sitting in church every Sunday, and very few notice, or even care when they do notice, which then increases the desire of the broken-hearted to hide their suffering and maintain “the look” that we all must have when we step foot in church on Sunday.
Now, there are many who are content with the expectations the church has of them. But I am not. So, I wrestled with these feelings, and ran to God with them. I wanted answers. And I desired to align my life with God in a way where I wasn’t wasting my time anymore.
So, I tried to seek out the empty, befriend the broken hearted, offer kindness to the lost, only to find most people would rather hide their broken and lost state than admit they are struggling. And it makes sense why! Because if you’re suffering, very few will choose to be around you. So, it’s better to keep quiet and save face. Right?
The crux of this issue is this: The action of actively seeking souls in need and entering into broken hearts that need mending is slim to none at church. And throughout my scripture study, I have come to understand that God never asks us in His word to smile and shake people’s hands. He doesn’t ask us to talk about talks. He doesn’t ask us to sit in circles and organize fun activities for the next week. He asks us to bind up wounds, stand for truth, feed the hungry, care for the fatherless, and lift up the hands that hang down. But because of the lack of this happening in all aspects of society, there are MANY broken-hearted people sitting in church every Sunday, and very few notice, or even care when they do notice, which then increases the desire of the broken-hearted to hide their suffering and maintain “the look” that we all must have when we step foot in church on Sunday.
Now, there are many who are content with the expectations the church has of them. But I am not. So, I wrestled with these feelings, and ran to God with them. I wanted answers. And I desired to align my life with God in a way where I wasn’t wasting my time anymore.
I remember steeping in all these feelings one night before I went to bed, and pleading with God by my lamp-light as to whether or not I needed to keep attending church. I got up off my knees by the edge of my bed, and randomly turned to a verse that was a direct answer to my question;
“Behold I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only? And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?” -Alma 32:10-11
At that point on I resolved to worship God far beyond Sundays. Those verses broke me out of the box I felt I was living in, thinking that church was a necessary part of my walk with God. When church becomes a stronghold between you and God, it’s time to reassess the situation. I let that verse burn into my heart that night and I let it be the vehicle to worshiping God every day, and seeking His face and His commission for me.
In 2020 when co***d seemingly plagued the whole world and churches were bowing to government mandates and requiring masks and v*cc*nes, I revisited these verses when I quite literally saw people being cast out of their churches because they would not comply to the tyranny their churches were now promoting.
“And they came unto Alma; and the one who was the foremost among them said unto him: Behold, what shall these my brethren do, for they are despised of all men because of their poverty, yea, and more especially by our priests; for they have cast us out of our synagogues which we have labored abundantly to build with our own hands; and they have cast us out because of our exceeding poverty; and we have no place to worship our God; and behold, what shall we do?
And now when Alma heard this, he turned him about, his face immediately towards him, and he beheld with great joy; for he beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and that they were in a preparation to hear the word.
Therefore he did say no more to the other multitude; but he stretched forth his hand, and cried unto those whom he beheld, who were truly penitent, and said unto them:
I behold that ye are lowly in heart; and if so, blessed are ye.
Behold thy brother hath said, What shall we do?—for we are cast out of our synagogues, that we cannot worship our God.
Behold I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only?
And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?
I say unto you, it is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out, that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble.” -Alma 32:5-12
I find it interesting in these verses it was the priests that were casting these people out of their churches, which is what we saw the leadership doing to church members while the entire world was in quarantine or complying to government mandates.
I also find it interesting that their poverty was the reason for them being cast out. This was why they were esteemed as filthiness (vs 3). Perhaps the poverty we can compare to is those who are poor in spirit, due to the things people see as filthy in our day, such as illness. I speak from experience when I say it sure seems like others may secretly see you as filthy when you’re undergoing an illness that nobody understands or wishes to succor you in. I also find it interesting that those of us who have left the church for virtuous reasons are often miss-judged for our choices surrounding masks, va**ines, tithing, or other crucial “church” doctrine and were quite literally “cast out” simply by the way we were treated by leadership and others. One must walk the line in the Mormon church, or really in any church as far as I’ve seen, or you won’t be welcome.
But it is well for us who have chosen to cross that line over into God’s court. For when you finally decide to eliminate man between you and God, you’ll begin to witness unimaginable miracles you never saw before. It’s a scary walk, but it’s worth it. The painful experiences those of us seem to be having who are on this path are frankly the vehicle to greater humility and wisdom within us.
“Behold I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only? And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?” -Alma 32:10-11
At that point on I resolved to worship God far beyond Sundays. Those verses broke me out of the box I felt I was living in, thinking that church was a necessary part of my walk with God. When church becomes a stronghold between you and God, it’s time to reassess the situation. I let that verse burn into my heart that night and I let it be the vehicle to worshiping God every day, and seeking His face and His commission for me.
In 2020 when co***d seemingly plagued the whole world and churches were bowing to government mandates and requiring masks and v*cc*nes, I revisited these verses when I quite literally saw people being cast out of their churches because they would not comply to the tyranny their churches were now promoting.
“And they came unto Alma; and the one who was the foremost among them said unto him: Behold, what shall these my brethren do, for they are despised of all men because of their poverty, yea, and more especially by our priests; for they have cast us out of our synagogues which we have labored abundantly to build with our own hands; and they have cast us out because of our exceeding poverty; and we have no place to worship our God; and behold, what shall we do?
And now when Alma heard this, he turned him about, his face immediately towards him, and he beheld with great joy; for he beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and that they were in a preparation to hear the word.
Therefore he did say no more to the other multitude; but he stretched forth his hand, and cried unto those whom he beheld, who were truly penitent, and said unto them:
I behold that ye are lowly in heart; and if so, blessed are ye.
Behold thy brother hath said, What shall we do?—for we are cast out of our synagogues, that we cannot worship our God.
Behold I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only?
And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?
I say unto you, it is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out, that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble.” -Alma 32:5-12
I find it interesting in these verses it was the priests that were casting these people out of their churches, which is what we saw the leadership doing to church members while the entire world was in quarantine or complying to government mandates.
I also find it interesting that their poverty was the reason for them being cast out. This was why they were esteemed as filthiness (vs 3). Perhaps the poverty we can compare to is those who are poor in spirit, due to the things people see as filthy in our day, such as illness. I speak from experience when I say it sure seems like others may secretly see you as filthy when you’re undergoing an illness that nobody understands or wishes to succor you in. I also find it interesting that those of us who have left the church for virtuous reasons are often miss-judged for our choices surrounding masks, va**ines, tithing, or other crucial “church” doctrine and were quite literally “cast out” simply by the way we were treated by leadership and others. One must walk the line in the Mormon church, or really in any church as far as I’ve seen, or you won’t be welcome.
But it is well for us who have chosen to cross that line over into God’s court. For when you finally decide to eliminate man between you and God, you’ll begin to witness unimaginable miracles you never saw before. It’s a scary walk, but it’s worth it. The painful experiences those of us seem to be having who are on this path are frankly the vehicle to greater humility and wisdom within us.
There’s a common practice I see amongst young people in this generation. It’s becoming less and less common to practice healing when one is struggling from the darkness and suffering attached to anxiety, depression, illness, or even sin. Many young people choose to approach these difficulties by the numbing of their minds, usually by participating in something that has little to no value.
I especially see this distorted version of a coping mechanism practiced through social media intake. We feel pain, discomfort, or guilt, and we immediately turn to the device that lives in our pockets, and get lost in the pit of reels, Tik Toks, and YouTube until hours have passed, and we’ve drifted into a strange state of consciousness. Anyone who owns a smartphone can relate to this. This practice is called doom scrolling.
We don’t create things anymore; we watch other people create things. We don’t build. We examine how other people build. We don’t pursue a life of fullness and joy, we watch others do it, and then we compare in a way that leaves us emotionally paralyzed simply because everyone else is already doing what we would maybe like to be doing ourselves.
I especially see this distorted version of a coping mechanism practiced through social media intake. We feel pain, discomfort, or guilt, and we immediately turn to the device that lives in our pockets, and get lost in the pit of reels, Tik Toks, and YouTube until hours have passed, and we’ve drifted into a strange state of consciousness. Anyone who owns a smartphone can relate to this. This practice is called doom scrolling.
We don’t create things anymore; we watch other people create things. We don’t build. We examine how other people build. We don’t pursue a life of fullness and joy, we watch others do it, and then we compare in a way that leaves us emotionally paralyzed simply because everyone else is already doing what we would maybe like to be doing ourselves.
May I now make a very controversial metaphor:
Mormon churchgoing is the equivalent of “doom-scrolling” through life.
“Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?” -Mormon 8:39
Doom scrolling is appealing simply because it’s the easy button to solving problems. It numbs our senses so we don’t have to feel our pains, it conditions us to believe we couldn’t ever measure up to those we are watching, and it can be a massive distraction to the things we should be focused on, pursuing, and doing. We can spend hours of time hitting this easy button, and we do it over and over and over again. Then we wonder why we still feel the anxiety, fear, or depression that so easily plagues us.
Going to church is appealing simply because it’s life’s easy button. It makes us looks good, it feels good in the moment, and it conditions us to believe that the Lord requires very little of us as His disciples. Church means pew sitting, endless meeting jargon, and activities that are fun yet lack meaningful connection. Participating in works that annihilate our responsibility for personal relationships outside our own families makes us feel good because we can shake people’s hands, smile at them in the halls, and that’s enough. That’s all we need. And if we happen to end up in high positions of leadership like Bishops, Stake Presidents, or Relief Society Presidents, that’s extra celestial points!
Yet, all of these things have no life.
And Moroni tells us why in Mormon 8:36-37
“And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts.
For behold, ye do love money, and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted.”
Sounds to me from those verses like the very book that the Mormons claim as the “keystone of their religion” is condemning them, their church, and their behaviors.
Mormon churchgoing is the equivalent of “doom-scrolling” through life.
“Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?” -Mormon 8:39
Doom scrolling is appealing simply because it’s the easy button to solving problems. It numbs our senses so we don’t have to feel our pains, it conditions us to believe we couldn’t ever measure up to those we are watching, and it can be a massive distraction to the things we should be focused on, pursuing, and doing. We can spend hours of time hitting this easy button, and we do it over and over and over again. Then we wonder why we still feel the anxiety, fear, or depression that so easily plagues us.
Going to church is appealing simply because it’s life’s easy button. It makes us looks good, it feels good in the moment, and it conditions us to believe that the Lord requires very little of us as His disciples. Church means pew sitting, endless meeting jargon, and activities that are fun yet lack meaningful connection. Participating in works that annihilate our responsibility for personal relationships outside our own families makes us feel good because we can shake people’s hands, smile at them in the halls, and that’s enough. That’s all we need. And if we happen to end up in high positions of leadership like Bishops, Stake Presidents, or Relief Society Presidents, that’s extra celestial points!
Yet, all of these things have no life.
And Moroni tells us why in Mormon 8:36-37
“And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts.
For behold, ye do love money, and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted.”
Sounds to me from those verses like the very book that the Mormons claim as the “keystone of their religion” is condemning them, their church, and their behaviors.
This does not mean that ALL Mormons are selfish, lazy, and complacent saps that slide through Mormonism by the seat of their pants. But these verses are a warning to us. Many people are missing the point “save a few only.” And if those who are “few” don’t assess what the culture and the leadership is trying to chain them to, they will end up in that category as well.
May we all feel a renewed drive in us to cease from our pursuing of money, substance, and the adorning of our churches. May we all be blessed with experiences that will strip us of our pride and guide us closer to the merciful God who is eagerly waiting for us to turn to Him without all the go-betweens. May we spend less time “doom-scrolling” and more time doing the things that may be harder, but alas, they awaken our senses and FILL US with the life and matter God intends for us to partake of. May we all seek to access His presence and see His face.
God bless you as you’re forged in His fire.
-Claire
May we all feel a renewed drive in us to cease from our pursuing of money, substance, and the adorning of our churches. May we all be blessed with experiences that will strip us of our pride and guide us closer to the merciful God who is eagerly waiting for us to turn to Him without all the go-betweens. May we spend less time “doom-scrolling” and more time doing the things that may be harder, but alas, they awaken our senses and FILL US with the life and matter God intends for us to partake of. May we all seek to access His presence and see His face.
God bless you as you’re forged in His fire.
-Claire
